illworld

   

The 4th of July in pictures!

Oh the July 4th holiday weekend! It brings back SO many memories. Jumping in my sweet

driving to the

and getting

off my arse!

So this weekend fire up the grill and throw on a big
 
slap it between some REALLY nice

and enjoy your birthday America!

But just remember...


Posted by Weasel on Thursday, July 02 @ 19:01:15 EDT
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I may not go down in history, but I will definitely go down on your younger sister.



Here is a quick lesson on knocking yourself out
Play Asteroids here online
High speed photography plus lots of colors = cool
High definition plane crash video! (almost takes out the cameraman)
Anagram greatness
Tearjerker alert
My luck I'd take this camping and another bear would try and mate with me
Man catches legless alligator
Now and Then pictures, pretty cool
Megan Fox talks about flower fail boy
In 50 years we'll look back and laugh about none of these being accurate
Cool video which probably took forever and a half to make


Is there anything hotter than chicks with guns? (besides naked chicks with guns of course)

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife".


From the WTF files

And now... your happy ending!


Posted by Weasel on Wednesday, July 01 @ 17:40:08 EDT
Special celebrity death weekend update!

This is an amazing list of celebrities that have died over the past couple weeks. We can now add Billy Mays to the list and wonder who will be next. I know many of you might think Billy Mays is annoying as hell but I've grown to like him over the last few months watching Pitchmen on Discovery Channel. He was a good family guy. Funny too. I think I'm going to call "right now" and order some Oxi Clean in his memory!



Who's next?!?!?!?!?

And now... on to the funny!

"Wow, a dollar bill! I thought those were extinct" -Puffy

A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. He's stopped at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who is really miffed:
"You swine. How can you have the audacity to try and enter heaven after you have lead such a perverted, ungodly life.
Do you think you have a snowballs chance in hell of meeting god?"
"Scew God... I'm after the baby Jesus."


Umm...

Bourtange has the moat from hell!
When you are in him, and he is in you, great things occur? Sounds kinda ghey
I love hot babes in lingerie screaming with enjoyment... on rollercoaster's
 This guy can strike out on 1 pitch
She now owns the most expensive iPod on the planet
MMA fighter vs. reporter
I know it's still 2009 but here are the most anticipated movies of 2010
Google Maps... finding the best whores on street's near you!
Celebrities or plumbers... you decide
Nomansland
LOVED Transformers 2, so in honor I present TOTAL BAYHEM!
You think she loves her BWM?
56 tattoos... on her face
2012... I'm in!
OMG, yet ANOTHER celebrity death!



illworld.com douchebag of the week!

Click here to reveal this weeks DOUCHER!


Posted by Weasel on Sunday, June 28 @ 14:10:44 EDT
I plan to be spontaneous... tomorrow.

Question: What would you call a virgin on a water bed?
Answer: A cherry float!


Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssssuuuuuuuuuup!

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was a Cooper Mini with two flat tires.'



The Count is a perv! Who knew?
I would have kicked dirt on his shoes
Russian nuclear silo... museum?
No royalties? I'd be pissed too
There will be hell to pay for this one I'm sure
I wonder how many times he's gotten laid off this trick
Air Force pounds MILF? What?
This site is minutes of high quality entertainment
Star Trek bloopers... enjoy nerds!
I banged hookers in several of these hotels
This has got to be fake... although it looks real
Got Herpes? Share your gift with people just like you
My mom owns one of these... you should too!


"Weasel, I’m writing in hopes that one of your illworld.com readers can help me out. My name is Anna and I recently bought the DVD player shown in the attached picture. I got the DVD player last month and like an idiot threw away the box along with the programming instructions. There was a power outage last week and now I can’t figure out how to set the time again. Could you post the picture and see if anyone has this model DVD player? I really need help setting this clock. Its constantly blinking 12:00 and is driving me nuts! Thanks, love the site! –Anna"

Anna, thanks for emailing. We might be able to help you out however it will require more pictures… LOTS more. Hurry please! -Weasel


There is fucktarded... then there is this guy.

And now... your happy ending!


Posted by Weasel on Thursday, June 25 @ 05:00:00 EDT
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your week!

2 more days till the new Transformers movie comes out. I got my tickets in advance last week! Yeah, I nerd out for the ‘formers. I have a feeling Optimus Prime is going to get killed. My biggest wish is to see Megan Fox naked but I know that aint happening. So I guess we can enjoy the picture below for now. I find it funny that 25 years ago I used to rush home from school to watch GI Joe and The Transformers. Now all these years later both have feature length movies coming out this summer and I’ll be rushing home from work to see them. See ya Wednesday Jetfire!
!
This kid is the poster child for "fail" now.

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter..'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!



That a lot of penguin doodie
This is how I drive around my parking garage
There are a lot of Macs on this list
It would be amazing to snorkel The Great Barrier Reef
Groovy! (And well worth your 200 seconds!)
Barrel Monster says ROOAARRR!!!
Good Lord... I wouldn't spend that much on a whole house
When Raptors attack... model airplanes!
THAT'S MY CAKE!!!
Treadmill videos ALWAYS end in fail... like this one
Thugs vs. 83 year old granny
I know father day was yesterday, but incase you missed it here are some belated present ideas
I think this is what it looks like around my arse after eating nachos



If you have any funny jokes, pictures or videos send them my way!
(And don't forget to look up illworld.com on Facebook and become a fan!)


Heck, I kinda like the Sarah Silverman!


Posted by Weasel on Monday, June 22 @ 05:00:00 EDT
Photos + illworld.com = Picture Dump!

Thanks everyone for sending in some great pictures! Enjoy!



(Click each picture to see it's full size greatness!)


Posted by Weasel on Friday, June 19 @ 17:58:44 EDT
On the other hand... you have different fingers.


Have you ever laughed so hard that you released a squirt of pee? Well that’s what it’s like listening to Ben & Skin on 105.3 The Fan. One time I laughed so hard I shat my pants… but I think that was partially caused by the Pancho’s Mexican Buffet I had for lunch! While you’re at it search for The Ben and Skin Show on Facebook and become a fan. I did, and now I’m 17% more sexually active in my community! Thanks Ben & Skin… prison sex SUCKS!


New method of vision correction? I'm out!

You think that picture above looks painful? Try some of these!
A lesbians dream
Real light ghost sighting finally caught on camera
 NewAbu Ghraib torture photos... holy ^%$#!
Obviously she's never seen Final Destination
Abuse your children the safe way
Andy Dick had the best celebrity boob grab by far
If it was a male teacher with a female student they'd call it "rape"
A real life transformer
Not going to be able to sleep tonight thanks to this page
Meet Sonia Garcia... world's HOTTEST surfer (excuse me while I wax my board)


Those are AMAZING sunglasses! Looks like they block out A LOT of light!

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in and check whether everything is ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations.
When the third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."


Aircraft carrier drifting... Dom would be proud!


Posted by Weasel on Thursday, June 18 @ 05:00:00 EDT
House of FAIL

TGIM!! No seriously... I love my new job and I'm actually happy to go to work. It's been several years since I've said that! Also, if you have a Facebook account be sure to look up the illworld.com fan page. (just type illworld.com in the search box on the top of any Facebook page) If you have any funny jokes, pics, or videos send them my way!

Today's theme... FAIL

Mid-FAIL
(aka fixin ta fail, fail in progress, gunna fail, half way to fail, etc...)

Toy Story 3
Don't taze me sonny!
Geez, no wonder I'm fat... look at what they fed me growing up!
My new favorite site! (besides illworld of course) (NSFW)
Getting you moneys worth at the drive through safari
Scare FAIL
Pea what?
Missing baby found in Sandwich!
Ok, this kid is funny... Tsimfuckis in da hizzy beyotch!
Damien Walters is my new comic book hero
We almost got pwn3d by CFC's
STOP...HAMMER TIME!!!
Butt FAIL!


Parenting FAIL

A man is walking across a bridge when he finds a young girl about to jump off, she tells him to not try and stop her.
So he says "OK, but Can I have a blowjob?"
Surprisingly she agrees and gets on with it.
"Wow" he says "That is one amazing talent going to waste there, why would you want to jump for?"
She replies "because my Mom and Dad hate me dressing up as a girl ".


Racist camera FAIL

A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's
couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an
actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary
and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a
sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs
to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful
breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll
give it a try!"


Name FAIL SUPREME!


Posted by Weasel on Monday, June 15 @ 05:00:00 EDT
The most shocking update EVER!


HOLY SHI.....

THE MOST SHOCKING VIDEO I'VE EVER SEEN!
How not to workout
These guys could show LeBron James a thing or 5
You think the cameraman shat his pants?
Bike vs. Car
This is where I store my crap
Type W
Future laptops are sweet
Trimming the bush to make the tree look taller
How to drink beer in public and not get arrested


You've been requesting more of him ladies... enjoy!

Two gay men are walking down the street, and one decides to kick a can he sees on the ground.
Smoke comes out from the can and a genie appears. "Thank you for releasing me from my can. I will grant you 3 wishes."
The first gay man says, "okay, I want a HUGE mansion, decorated in all white and everything furnished." "Okay," says the genie, and poof!
The gay men appear in front of a mansion.
The second gay man says, "okay, for our second wish, I want two matching Lincoln Towncars, all white with white interior and fully loaded." Poof! Two cars, made to order.
For the third wish, one of the gay men walks up and whispers something into the genie's ear. "I'll be back at 7 PM." 7 PM rolls around and there's a knock on the door.
Both men are excited, and when they open the door, there is a group of Klu Klux Klan members on their front lawn. "What the hell did you wish?" says the first man. "I just wished to be hung like a black man!"


Seriously... this could be fun!


Posted by Weasel on Thursday, June 11 @ 05:00:00 EDT
I'm lovin' it!


Looks like the chick on her knees is going for Ronald's McNuggets

Q: Why do natives hate snow?
A: Because it's white and on their land.

Q: What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth?
A: Einstein's pecker.

Q: What has two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog.

Q: What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common?
A: They both live off dead Beatles.

Q: Why did the one-handed man cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.



An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If
I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump
off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a
burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna
and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could
have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so
much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."


No really... there's a jet there.

The saddest sports news in the history of sad sports news
I wonder if this gets him laid?
Ok, number 12 is just creepy
The game would be WAY cooler if they got rid of those damn playing cards
Need a hand... committing suicide?
Postman goes postal and kills a dog... no really
Plane crash videos always make me uneasy... but at least they got to the beach quickly!
Slow motion car crashes (VERY cool)
Jewish cats! (for my friend Nicole)
Megan Fox makes my penis transform
Amazing WWII aviation photos
Good thing she didnt say "F me"
Forget the sewers, what's it doing to my arteries?



Speaking of douchebags...

I present to you the illworld.com douchebag of the week!


Posted by Weasel on Monday, June 08 @ 05:00:00 EDT
CARnage Part 7

illworld.com proudly presents... CARnage!


And now it's time for everyone's favorite game... find the arm!

HANDS DOWN THE MOST DISTURBING VIDEO EVER! DON'T WATCH THIS!
Cheating death... TWICE!
What a genius
How many immigrants can you stuff in a van?
How do you make 2 Ferrari's out of one?
4 minutes of CARnage
That just didn't look fun
Ejector seats!
I'll give you 100 bucks for it
Jeep dropping off cliff... driver ejected


Talk about getting close to the action!


When Hummers get horny!


Click on the pics above to enjoy their full size goodness!


Some take the bus downtown... other prefer the bottom of the canal


Parking a Z06... You're doing it WRONG!

Remember, wear your seatbelt and obey the speed limit!
Then you can avoid CARnage!


Posted by Weasel on Friday, June 05 @ 05:00:00 EDT
IMEZRU

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
Very nice, but I think they may have misunderstood when I said, "I wanna watch."



I use these... they get my laid all the time
Never knew Wall-E was a member of the armed forces
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Ahhh, so this is how txt messages work
Obviously he studied under Chuck Norris
FMLTWIA
Choose your Geek Squad wisely
I love the arcade classics
I'll admit... my plates used to say AMD ME
Reminds me of a morning after eating Mexican
It like rodeo and drifting combined
Fire extinguisher prank gone WAY wrong
I cant stop watching these crazy Asian videos
This is how I buy my designer condoms
Don't worry... I'm staring too


I have a new favorite LPGA golfer. Her name is Natalie Gulbis. As you can see, stretching is a very important part of her pre round ritual. Matter of fact she does this better than anyone else on the LPGA. It makes me want to get my balls out and stroke my iron a few times. Oh the thoughts of a bikini golf league are running wild in my head!


There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the
drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was
just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see
a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I
overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous,
fired me.
When I left the building to go my car, I found out it was stolen. The
police, said they could do nothing. I got a cab to go home, and after I paid
the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.
I got home only to find my wife with the gardener. I left home
and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to
my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."


Fail Boat now boarding right on 7th street!

Q: What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
A: A Genealogist looks up your family tree, and a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.



"A fortunetelling midget escapes from prison. The headline reads 'Small Medium at Large !'"


Posted by Weasel on Thursday, June 04 @ 05:00:00 EDT
01000110010101010100001101001011


Someone sent me this... NO clue. (but a little funny)

Nicole Catsouras, (Nikki) 18, lost control of a Porsche 911 at over 100 mph
Glad I was not driving (or alive) in the 60's
How NOT to gain street cred
This is why I only eat breakfast at Denny's and ihop
Good thing he jumped over water
Whoops
Bikini chick fails at the backflip
Messin' with a squirrel
DO NOT click this if blood makes you queasy
Very cool picture of the shuttle and Hubble telescope in space
Any story with nunchucks deserves a link
Screw the Shamwow... try these!
Snake FAIL



Dear Tech Support ,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, . NFL 3.0, Golf Clubs 4.1 and Elk Hunting 5.5
Also Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do? Signed, Desperate

DEAR DESPERATE ,
First, keep in mind, . Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. . If that application works as designed , Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7..0 or Beer 6.1 . Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta..
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.020(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 -program These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and . Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Tech Support


That language is too vulgar for this website!


Posted by Weasel on Monday, June 01 @ 05:00:00 EDT
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Mid-week update... It was just like last week and will be more of the same next week.


Things are looking "up" down under

16yo Admits “I Wasn’t Wearing Panties” in high school yearbook
Disgusting
Hulk Hogan loves WHO?
Lamborghini Gallardo Superleggera vs. Ferrari F430 Scuderia
I'm guessing he's still unemployed
If you need to be educated on it... you might be gay
Bike or rocket launcher... you decide
18 disturbing sex toys
China builds first sex theme park
And in other Chinese sex park news...
Ow! My Balls!
Arkanoid... always a good work day time waste



A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he then charged them $32.00.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."



If you have any funny jokes, pics, videos, etc... send them my way


Click here to see the illworld.com douchebag of the week


Posted by Weasel on Thursday, May 28 @ 05:00:00 EDT
Happy Memorial Day! Go eat a hot dog!

With my new job I’m finding it harder to reserve time for updating the site. I’m going to move to a larger, 2 post per week format. Feel free to give feedback if you’d like. My goal is to update on Monday and Thursday each week. (Maybe some bonus weekend updates) If that’s not enough for you than EABOD!



You recycle WHAT?
Ow My Balls! (now I need an iPhone)
Yeah, she's down at the local dive trying to hook up with guys half her age
Alenka Bikar looks REALLY fast
Really? They went there?
You got a purtty smile boy
Sounds like the refrigerators at my old job
I have a feeling that car is getting wet
This is how I park my Chevette
Shoot 'Em Up is such a great movie
Snake enjoying lunch
Bird vs. Plane 2
Now I understand why we're in a recession



A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary
for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor
informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she
pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown
died'."
Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there is a
7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on
her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up
for sale'."



A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a
blank form and wrote, "Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..
woof..woof...woof."
The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, "There are
only nine words here. You could send another 'woof' for the
same price."
The dog replied "What, and ruin the punch line?!"


Never knew they had any to start with


Posted by Weasel on Monday, May 25 @ 05:00:00 EDT
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

My Vacation - By Weasel
1. 2. 3. 4.
So the wife-like unit and I took a trip to Corpus Christi this past weekend. It was a nice trip and I kind of like the area. We might look to retire there. Lots to see and do. The vacation was going great until the last day. They say things some in 3’s and that was certainly the case on Saturday. First, we’re driving up Padre Island and come across a massive wildfire. (See pictures 1) We were told it hasn’t rained there in months. Being surrounded by water I don’t see how it’s possible but is. Once we get past that we decide the stop and fish. Right before we’re ready to leave a boat comes ripping into the dock/ramps with the driver yelling for everyone to get out of the way and they had a medical emergency. Well some idiot swam across the channel and these guys hit him and tore up his face with the propeller. (See pictures 2 and 3) Seeing all that blood made me nauseous so headed back to the hotel. We’ll I’ll be damned if we didn’t get back to the hotel and right across the highway there was a huge wreck that had it shut down. (See picture 4). A truck clipped the front end of a car it was trying to pass and flipped. Saw the details about this on the news. And that is vacation day of horror! Enjoy the rest of the post. :-)


After seeing this picture I guess my vacation could have been worse...

This is the kind of customer you want shopping in your store
Normally I don't go here... But this tree has some AMAZING coconuts on it (NSFW)
Good morning Megan Fox... You gave me morning wood
Birds vs. Planes
This chick loves her some Obama
I'd punch this guy square in the face if
Zombie vs. Kids
The bike is like "You're dumb, I'm outta here!"
Meet his twin brother... Edward Scissorfeet
The 10 dirtiest names in sports
Legos gone wild!
This looks extremely painful
Meet some strangers (kind cool actually)


I wonder if she knows Nastya and Vika

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special.
I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you
know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"


Trust me... I know

A girl from Tennessee and a girl from the East coast were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Tennessee, being friendly and all, said: "So, where y'all from?" The East coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from Tennessee sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where y'all from, bitch?"


Bet the drunks love that deal


Posted by Weasel on Thursday, May 21 @ 05:00:00 EDT
Happy birthday to Lou Briccant

Today, I decided to modify my resume since I've handed out over 30 of them in the past couple of weeks and I haven't gotten any calls back. As soon as I opened it on word document, I noticed that I had forgotten to include my phone number for employers to contact me. *sigh*


w0rd two y0 mutha B3y0tcH!

And you thought the Wolverine movie sucked
Happy birthday Emersom Biggins
Virgin Mary spotted again... this time by Nacho Libre
Free hugs... or upgrade for only 2 bux!
These bugs freak me out
More bugs? You're damn straight!
Russian military parade... dozens pack the streets!
May favorite new online game, Pick the perp
Prius or Insight?
I got 46 bux for them at the scrap yard
You would look more beautiful wearing one of these


Awww... how cute. :)

"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.
"You didn't do it, did you?"
"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!


Is anyone else confused by this?


Posted by Weasel on Monday, May 18 @ 05:00:00 EDT
illworld.com... As seen on TV!


So I was having this party last weekend and walked in on these girls... USE THE TOILET!

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to
the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after
day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to,
so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."
The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!


I say use the skills that God gave ya!

CLICK HERE TO SEE IF YOU HAVE SWINE FLU!
TV intros
Optimus Prime stolen
Play 1942 (man I loved this game)
Watch this Russian cop go postal and start killing people
Tim Tebow's girlfriend... or not?
Fast food... what you REALLY get
50 movies all guys should see before they die
Learn gang signs!
Pilot makes a crappy landing... literally


I'm going to shop this to Pitchmen... The Rubix Boobs


Posted by Weasel on Friday, May 15 @ 05:00:00 EDT
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.


I love the new line of Saudi bikinis!

Cleveland tourism video (now you know why I moved away)
What NOT to do when your fire alarm goes off (but still funny)
Police F'in up some guy
Please shoot yourself
Invisible cars... a future full of CARnage!
I found someone picking their nose in this picture
Shamwow Vince's brother
Simona Halep has a promising future in tennis (or porn)
Tampon pranks are funny
This chick makes the same face in EVERY picture (duck face!)


At least they can use the tree for lumber to fix the house!

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said.
"Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said.
"Your wife didn't give me an erection either."


Busted...or not


Posted by Weasel on Wednesday, May 13 @ 05:00:00 EDT
Rajini Kanth can kick your A$$!

Fun Fact: It was once said that before a black man became president, pigs would fly. Now here, 100 days into Obama's term, swine flu!


wow... guess you really can laugh your ass off!

And RadioShack laid ME off... LOL (nice return policy)
This video of the guy driving into a crowd of people is insane
how about a different angle
81.5 miles per gallon... I'd drive it
Crackers chucking deuces and whatnot
Train surfing looks rather fun
A collection of the world's smallest...
Patrol car joyride
Chuck Norris finally has some competition
Take a picture wearing one of these and I'll post it on the site
I'm predicting no less than 9 and 3/4 Oscars for this movie


I'm sure she shaves everything else... how bout those arms please!

Two midgets get some hookers and get hotel rooms. One midget was soft all night and he could hear his friend through the paper thin walls going, "1,2,3 Hgh... 1,2,3 HGH" over and over.
In the morning the first midget says to the second midget, "I couldn't get hard cause all I could hear was you counting."
The second midget says, "Well, at least you could get on the friggin bed."


This chart might help diagnose your Swine Flu symptoms
BTW, If you wear a Swine Flu mask, spruce it up a bit!


Posted by Weasel on Monday, May 11 @ 05:00:00 EDT
Obamas favorite website... illworld.com!


Purple bus says BLAAAAAAAAAM!!

The store above should sell these
Ever wonder what North Korea looks like?
Classic celebrity meltdowns
Video game systems... Where is the Atari Jaguar?
GIANT cheesy poof!
He cheated obviously (Nobody from Michigan is THAT smart)
I SO want to ride this
Ever seen someone melt their face off? Enjoy!
Sad world record attempts (funny video)
Does your job suck this bad?
Now this guy is a super trooper!
I'd get lost in this place (nice koi pond)


How did she get a job at Hooters with those mosquito bites?


EMO's are people too! (well kinda)


Posted by Weasel on Friday, May 08 @ 05:00:00 EDT
Proof Tupac is alive!!!

Send me some funny links, pictures, and jokes PLEASE!!!!


Sally Sally Sally Sally Sally

A little boy and a little girl, both about six, are playing in the sandbox. Unexpectedly, the little boy farted, causing a little sand between his legs to shift.
She notices, and squeals with laughter, "How'd you do that," she asks.
"Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted."
"Can I try it," she asks?
"Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."
So she strains, and concentrates, and grunts. Suddenly, there's a terrible explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out.
The little boy rolls up the hill, he finds himself upside down against a tree. He groggily gets to his feet, runs over to where the little girl is out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle.
He lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims, "Just what I thought, dual exhaust."


Amazing how technology has advanced

KIZZ Burger... Our Meat, Your Mouth! LOL
Tupac is alive!
I've owned 15 and 26
12 Major brands that will disappear (I'm all tore up about Crocs)
The Rap Chop!
Cool pictures of nature (I need a better digital camera)
Please help support my crack habit and buy one of these
How does your boss stack up against these guys?
New NYPD cars look like Transformers
11 predictions that Back to the Future 2 got right


Yeah... but my woman has a nicer arse!


Posted by Weasel on Wednesday, May 06 @ 05:00:00 EDT
illworld.com... your swine flu headquarters!


YAY for the rectal tunnel of fun!!!

Yo daWg! you got some moves!
And in 14 year-old stripper news...
Top Gun remake
He made an Audi R8 from WHAT?
Will my fingers get hard too?
I want a free home too
Meet the box killing cat
Well this site is hours of fun... literally
Add on of these to your shopping list!
Whoa! They has Swine Flu when I was 2
Track Swine Flu in your neighborhood (thanks again Google! You think of EVERYTHING)
Britney Spears... tampon or pad? This video shows you the answer

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it! We're closed...

Q: What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A: A man will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of crap?
A: The bucket.

The illworld.com douche bag of the week goes to...

Jamie Hyneman from Mythbusters!
(congratulations on being a TOTAL bag of douche!)



This guy is such awesomeness my eyes hurt!


Posted by Weasel on Monday, May 04 @ 05:00:00 EDT
MAYDAY!!! MAYDAY!!!


I needs me one of these!

The usual scene. A Doctor says to a patient, "Well, I've got good news and bad news."
The patient asks for the bad news and the doctor tells him that he has just three weeks to live.
"Three weeks! That's terrible. I'll be dead in three weeks! What's the good news."
Doctor says, "See my huge breasted receptionist? Well, I'm banging her!"


Better than a fuzz buster

So Popeyes ran out of chicken... No white people knew about it
Google Maps... good for jug hunting as well
Celebrating Hurricane style... none for me please
Who says soccer is for wimps?
I'm making one of these for lunch today
Melanie Adams can vault my pole ANY day!
Magnet tricks are cool
Ummmmm.... no clue
Tough... Proud... Gay
Wow... Denise Richards has amazing funbags
Add Tie Domi to this list
Sweet! Porn that is actually safe for work


FAIL!

Got any funny jokes, pictures or links? Send them to me!!!


Posted by Weasel on Friday, May 01 @ 05:00:00 EDT
Free Bacon!

Got any funny jokes, pictures or links? Send them to me!!!


Note to parents... NOT FUNNY! (ok, maybe a little)

Glad the dogs were home to protect the house
Bacon blowtorch
Pranks or assault... you make the call
Why would any guy get a unicorn tattoo?
Train vs. Cow
Aids... the gay plague
This cop is teh suck!
Now he's enjoying donuts at his desk
Worst rap song EVER
I wonder if they'll be franchising this great idea?
I Love Jennifer Love Hewitt
Click it before you stick it
I like peanut butter... but not this much


I'm confused by this

A little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was taking
a walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl. She
had no panties on. He called her down and gave her money to buy a pair
of panties. The girl was so happy and told her mommy about it. The next
day when the priest was again taking his daily walk, he looked up the
same tree and saw the young girl's mother up there. She had no panties
on. He called her down and gave her two dollars to buy a razor.


She seems to have nice form... I'm calling bullseye!


Posted by Weasel on Wednesday, April 29 @ 05:00:00 EDT
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Got any funny jokes, pictures or links? Send them to me!!!


Wait... What about Kansas?

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.
He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."


Do NOT buy one of these. They don't work very well and are SLOW!


Posted by Weasel on Monday, April 27 @ 05:00:00 EDT
Party unicorn says BAAAAAAAAAARRRRFFFFF!




PICTURE DUMP!
(Click them to see full size)


Posted by Weasel on Saturday, April 25 @ 05:00:00 EDT
Death is hereditary.

Holy crap… it was 90 degrees yesterday. It’s only mid April! I think we’re in for some hellish heat this summer. I’m ok with this though… beats 6 months of rain and snow! Global warming ROOLZ!



A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great.........that's just great.... Some a$$hole's got my pen!'



Over frozen dog sperm?
$5,000 phone bill
Ever seen a car going 180mph hit a bird?
Guys, this link is for you
Pac Man... for real!
Now I was a pet Eagle
I'm trying to find out where her salon is so I can rob it too
Inglorious Basterds looks to be good
Photoshopped or not? You make the call
Women drivers... need I say more?
EVERYONE should own one of these!


Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo right!


Posted by Weasel on Thursday, April 23 @ 06:00:00 EDT
illworld t-shirts! Billy Mays approved!


Click here to get your own illworld.com t-shirt!


Well... what else can you do with it?
It will surely top my Christmas list this year
Billy Mays at the drive thru
This is the torture you go through being a Google employee
More on that crazy gun range mom
Someone test this and let me know if it works
Something aint right this this boy
Powersliding is not a crime... Hell I didn't even know there was such a thing
Didn't know thee was one of these either
Bike trick FAIL
This is a big ass moon
D'OH!
Amazing MMA action!

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"


I love the Discovery Channel

And Animal Planet


Posted by Weasel on Monday, April 20 @ 23:03:12 EDT
110% Pure AWESOMENESS!



Not so fast and furious
Cheap Ruskies!
Money well spent
It's not nice to stare
Maybe he had an iron deficiency
Mile high golden shower club
She's like Forrest Gump jr
Killing never tasted so good
I'll admit I've bombed a few photos in my day
New Mike Judge movie
ILUVTOFU


Whoops! I hate when I get these!

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."


I Concur!


Posted by Weasel on Friday, April 17 @ 16:49:27 EDT