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| Support Cannibalism — EAT ME! |
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As you can tell I’ve been slacking on the updates again. But,
in my defense there is a lot more to do now with owning a home.
Trimming the
bushes here is a bit different than at my old apartment! So my goal for now is
to churn out one nice big update per week and post it on the weekend or Monday morning. No better
way to take care of the “Moondays” right? As always, please
send along your funny pics,
videos, jokes, etc…
Click the pics above and they'll magically grow in size!
I am posting this to warn you of something that happened to me, as i have become
a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are
packing your shopping in the trunk.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts
almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It's impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No" and instead ask for a
ride to another Wal-Mart. You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over
into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals
your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday,
and once again on Sunday.
ROFL!
Q. What is the Cuban national anthem?
A. Row, row, row your boat.
Q. Why aren’t there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. They won’t work in the future either.
Q. Why do driver’s ed classes in southern schools only meet on Monday,
Wednesday, and Friday?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday the sex ed class uses the car.
Q. What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. A southern zoo includes a recipe with the description of the animal.
Q. How do you get a sweet old granny to say “F$%&”?
A. Have another sweet old granny yell, “Bingo”.
Q. Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because everyone who can run, jump, or swim is in the US.
At least the illworld.com tattoo looks tight!
An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the
bartender says,
"No way, buddy, you're too drunk."
A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs,
"Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time --
you're too drunk"
Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink,
again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"
The drunk scratches his head and says "Damn, I must be. The last two places said
the same thing!"
Did anyone else notice something wrong during the Fiesta Bowl? (other than
cowbell chick)
Unfortunately the best part of this video is missing
This movie looks KICK-ASS!
If you're not motivated to lose weight after watching this please kill yourself
now
Biking on the
beach... the WRONG way
One year in 90 seconds.
It's like a time machine
Clearly AMD is better than
Intel and here is my proof!
Wonder if he has to stay at least 500' from farms
Ever wonder how
astronauts play golf? Click here and find out
New sports, Women's MMA
Soccer!
These animals are smarter than you... because they have 2 heads!
Car tires with no air?
Thanks for riding Psych
Ward Air... kooks fly free!
When I first heard they
were remaking Karate Kid I was like WTF... but this might be ok (might)
SO GROSS! (but I'd probably still eat 'em)
A blind man tells his friend how much he enjoys parachuting. "My hand is placed
on my release ring, they place me in the door and tell me when to jump. Out I
go!"
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the
ground?" asks his friend,
"Oh," replies the blind man, "as soon as the dog's leash goes slack."
HAPPY ENDING!
(you all owe me for that one!)
Posted by weasel on Saturday, January 09 @ 13:43:03 EST
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| Last update for a while.... moving! |
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First off, updates will be less frequent for
a little while. Just bought a new house and will be in the process of moving in
over the next few weeks. I’m sure you understand. In the meantime go ahead and
send your funny jokes and
pictures to me. When I ramp back up I expect to have a mailbox full of
funny! Thanks a lot Bin Laden!
Since this might be the last update for a while I’m about to bloat this B!
Oh!, almost forgot, Friend us on Facebook! Just search illworld.com on Facebook.
must.... motorboat....
Q: How do you know it's going to be a good day at work?
A: When you see your boss' picture on the side of the milk carton.
Q: Why did God make brunettes?
A: So the ugly men have a chance.
Q: Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
Q: Two potatoes are walking down the street. One of them is a prostitute. How
can you tell which one is the prostitute?
A: The one stamped "Idaho."
5 bucks says nobody's getting a ticket!
This girl is made of rubber
Treadmill + stupid people = priceless
Reality TV concepts that were rejected
Sounds fast
Ants vs. ants FIGHT!
ladies, would
you wear this? (if so email me some pictures!)
This is the most disturbing
machine EVER
wtf
Hottest female athletes... they got #1 correct
Useful app for your iPhone
if you have road rage
Express bus to the subway
Soccer player stabbed by crazy fan during game
WOW, amazing video of a girl
catching a HUGE fish with her bare hands!
Formula 1 fan with a
death wish
Ever seen a truck crash and drive off a bridge? Now you have!
Say hello to
Spidercat
I'm on a boat! HAHAHA
Tech nerds, get your learn
on
OMG, so hot...
wait...
Random thoughts... some
are dead on
Name FAiL
Want to get revenge
on those junk mailers?
She can come cheer for me now
After reading it I STILL CANT FIND DOLPHINS!
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Give a man religion and he'll
starve to death while praying for a fish.
Clearly Virgil was screwed by the unlucky booth number 13. ;-)
A blind guy walks into a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to the counter
and orders a drink. After a while, he says loudly to the girl behind the bar: -
"Hey, do you want to hear a really good joke about blondes?" Silence falls in
the bar and in a deep, gravely voice the lesbian to his left says :- "Before you
tell your joke, there's something you should know...The girl behind the bar is
blonde, the girl by the door is blonde and I'm a 6 foot, 160 stone pounds with a
black belt in karate. The girl to my left is blonde and she lifts weights. The
girl to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Think about it
seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell your joke?" - "Not if I'll have to
explain it five times..."
The captain of a cruise ship says to the passengers and crew. "I have some good
news and some bad news! Which do you want to hear first?"
"The good news everyone screams".
Well, replies the captain.... We are probably getting 14 Oscars.
And now... your happy
ending!
Ok,
happy ending #2 (do I love you guys or what!)
Posted by Weasel on Wednesday, August 26 @ 22:07:50 EDT
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| I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing! |
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A boy asks his mother for breakfast. She says, "Not until you
feed the animals."
The boy goes outside and says to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you
today." So he kicks the chicken. He does the same with the cow and the pig.
The boy goes back into the house and tells his mother that he's hungry. His
mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs, I saw
you kick the cow, so you're not getting any milk, and I saw kick the pig, so
you're not getting any bacon."
Just then the boy's father walks down the steps, trips and kicks the cat. The
boy says, "Mom, should I tell him?"
How is this even possible? Oh yeah, woman driver!
Ninjas gone wild!
Parent of the week award?
Does it get any more
redneck than this?
KTFO!
I see why Britney lip-syncs
now
Science teacher tries to kill himself, and class
Bank robbing
rookie mistake
Ever wonder if we're alone?
Wonder no more.
Hot chicks getting
pranked
How NOT to impress a chick!
Greatest fight scene EVER!
DO NOT watch this... you've
been warned
Darth GAYder?
Son: ''Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?''
Dad: ''Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have
mine.''
Take it from 3 Finger Eddie... Light fuse and GET AWAY!
Happy Ending!
(btw, thanks for sending in some jokes Beth!)
Posted by Weasel on Monday, August 17 @ 22:02:18 EDT
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| The update with NO JOKES! |
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| The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. |
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Two old ladies were standing on a street corner smoking
cigarettes. It started to rain and one lady said, ''Great, now I'll have to put
this out.''
The other lady said, ''No you don't, I have some cigarette covers here.''
She proceeded to take a trojan out of her purse, cut the end off and put it over
her cigarette. The other lady asked, ''Where did you get that?''
The second lady replied, ''Just go to the drug store and ask for some condoms.''
The next day the first lady went to her local drug store and said to the clerk,'
I'd like some condoms please.''
The clerk replied,' What size please?''
The lady said, ''One big enough to fit a Camel.''
Wow,
that's nuts!
Tow truck driving + texting = FAIL
This is for kids
right?
I'm guessing they
don't get many calls
Run! Zombies in the area!
Look at
her... I would have cheated too
I'm calling fake on
this... made it on his Mac
Megan Fox is SO hot
This is one of those videos
that make you say "HOLY SH1T!"
New way to wash
your car
I'm pretty certain I could
turn this into a fart cannon
4x4 videos
Guess he
pissed her off big time
Irony
A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he
can.
The bartender asks, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."
The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
The bling is like the icing on the big hairy Sunday!
Enjoy your happy ending!
Posted by Weasel on Monday, August 10 @ 05:00:00 EDT
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| Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster... |
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A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks,
please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.
The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of
drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.
The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."
The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."
Hey, look at what my Kermit puppet can do!
It's legal tender... TAKE
IT!
Someone is going to HELL for this
Proof aliens
exist?
I want them all
I bet it hard to take a pee
with this disease
Number 14... really creepy
What's cooler
than humans on drugs? Spiders on drugs!
CARnage
LOL, Fine... here is
some REAL CARnage!!!!
Repo man kicked in the arse... is it real?
I want one of these in my new house
ten ten
Ultimate rollercoaster ride
Me before Balco
Me After Balco... They're all natural supplements right?
And now...
your happy ending!
Posted by Weasel on Thursday, July 30 @ 21:14:51 EDT
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A woman pregnant with her first child goes to see her
obstetrician. After the exam, she shyly says, "My husband wants me to ask you
something.
The doctor says, "I think I know what you're going to ask -- yes, sex is fine
until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it," the woman confesses. "He wants to know if I can still mow
the lawn."
7k-12k? I'm in!
I thought all the hot chicks passed because they were blowing the teachers.
One upon a time there was a town with a new church steeple with a bell that
wouldn't ring. People came from miles around to try it. One day a small fellow
came up to the priest and said, “I can do it.”
The priest said, “Okay, try it.”
The little fellow went to the steeple, took three steps back, and ran into the
bell with his face. BONG!! The bell rang and he was hired.
One windy day as he took his three steps back to ring the bell, and the wind
moved the bell. The little fellow missed the bell and fell out of the steeple.
He landed in the middle of the plaza where people gathered to see what happened.
The priest came through the crowd and asked, “Does anyone know this fellow's
name?”
Someone in the crowd replied, “I don't know his name, but his face rings a
bell!”
Anyone tried The Baconator at Wendy's yet?
District 9... I'm in
Now topping my 2009 Christmas wish list!
DISTURBING!
With the cost of ink... this project
obviously cost millions
You mean all the hype of LeBron James getting dunked on was for THIS??
Office 2010... Coming to a
PC near you
Michael Jordan + giant
inflatable weenie = LOL
Whoops
Father of the year award nominee
Choose wisely
Dead shark left where?
Jesus pwn3d U!
Wish I was a kid again
Background fail... Just because you didn't notice it doesn't mean it didn't
happen!
And now...
your happy ending!
Posted by Weasel on Sunday, July 26 @ 22:04:35 EDT
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| RIP Taco Bell dog! w00f w00f! |
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Q: What is the best time of the day to go to the dentist?
A: Tooth hurty.
Q. What does Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common?
A. Their greatest hits were The Wall.
Q: What is black and has eight legs?
A: The Jackson Four.
Think this hurt a bit?
Fresh ingredients for the tacos!
I went to high school with him errr I
mean her... well he was a him back then... aww never mind
HOLY MOTHER OF CHRIST!
They prefer the bull rides them
Is anyone really
surprised by this fail?
The laugh and replays
are classic
Think your relationship sucks?
Wonder if I could shore up my foundation with Legos
Planning on committing suicide soon? This site might help!
Amazing HD space shuttle
launch video
What a wiener smoker
You sank
my Battleship!
Just because you're a fat
lady doesn't mean you can sing
Just put this on top of my Christmas wish list
That can happen? (look at the 2 dudes on the other side of the cop. think
they're freaked out?)
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never
served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him
and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender
yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for
grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
M is for MOTORBOAT! :-)
May I present to you the illworld.com douchebag of the week!
Doucheius Maximus!
Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her
parish priest.
He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly
a full house."
"Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. It must be
something in the air."
"Yes," says the priest, "your legs."
And now...
your happy ending!
Posted by Weasel on Wednesday, July 22 @ 22:14:22 EDT
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Ugh! It's Monday already? Someone shoot me please!
Seriously, I'm getting this bumper sticker.
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.
Most of
us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion,
but the Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C. , has recently revealed
the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On
her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see
whether he's won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a
taxi cab or a motel in America . If nothing is there, he must remain
in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical support.
Wheelie Gods
Obama getting dissed by Ruskies... F them!
For our gay readers
What would YOU say?
I like this kids... but I like his mom A LOT more!
I'm suing the ghost in my basement
This dog is way cooler than
Lassie
Epic PAIN fail!
Funny how Michael Jackson had no clue his hair was on fire and was dancing away
Greatest name ever?
Here is your inspiration to
quick smoking
40 Years ago today we landed on the moon... here is the proof
I think she needs a GPS for her bike... looks lost.
And now...
your happy ending!
Posted by Weasel on Monday, July 20 @ 05:00:00 EDT
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A powerful message from Stevie Wonder on Michael Jackson’s
death
".. .. ... .. ... ... .. .. .. . .. . . ... . . . . . .. . .. .... .. .. . ...
.. ... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... .. .. .. ... ... ... .... .. .. . .. . .. . .
... .. . . . .. ... . .... ... .... .... ... .. .. .. .... .... .... .. .. . ..
.. . .. .. . .. . . .... .... . .. . . . .. . .. . ... .. .. ... ... ... ... ..
... .. .. ... ... .. .... ... ... .... .... . .. .. . .. .... .. . . . . . .. ..
... .. .. .... .. ... ... .. .. ... .. .. .. .. .. . "
Deep stuff, eh? I nearly cried when he said ". .. . . . .. .. … .. .. . . ....
...."
Doing it WRONG!
Police: Why did you steal his watch?
Thief: I didn't steal it, he gave it to me!
Police: When did he give it to you?
Thief: When I showed him the gun!
"The A hole is nasty"
(greatest tv commercial ever?)
Did I just get punk'd?
Hitler had a stealth fighter? Apparently he couldn't even find it.
Screw the
nuts!
Dis Indian got MAD ups
With celebs dropping like dominos, this
site may come in handy
Hitler finds out Michael
Jackson died (2 Hitler links in one update, new record!)
I only ran over a
couch cushion and caught it on fire during drivers ed
Awkward Boners (name pretty much
sums it up!)
I could SO see myself doing
something like that
This dude is badass in
ways we'll never understand!
Fireworks + nuts =
OW MY BALLS!
Reason #491 why Michael Jackson was so in debt
whore training for kids... *sigh*
Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach when Moses says, "You know what? I'm
going to try and part the ocean again." He throws his hands in the air and,
magically, the ocean parts.
Jesus sees this and says, "I'm going to try to walk on water again." He walks up
to the water, takes a step on top and sinks.
Moses says, "Try it again, Jesus. It's been a while." Jesus tries again, and
once more, he sinks.
Jesus comes out of the water and says, "I know what the problem is. When I
walked on water before, I didn't have holes in my feet."
HAH! Take that pops!
And now... your happy
ending!
Posted by Weasel on Sunday, July 12 @ 22:32:59 EDT
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A special Billy Mays
tribute!
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back
to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to
undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that,
baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to
his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is
aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse
and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a
hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid
you were about to blow!"
WAY cool!
Baseball... doing it wrong
Ok seriously, DO NOT
WATCH THIS!
72 and still badass
I want my own island too
I wouldn't want to get in a
fight with this guy!
Watermelons + to much time on your hands = get a life
Michael Jackson is ALIVE!
WHOA! Check out this new thing they have called "Internet"
Str8 Hussla
WTF?!?!?!?! Aliens??!?!?!?
Genius
New Michael Bay trailer
Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They only screw in cars.
Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A: Megasoreass
Q: What's about six inches long and produces a white, frothy substance when
rubbed back and forth and in and out?
A: A toothbrush.
Q: Why did the blonde snort Sweet-n-Low?
A: She thought it was Diet Coke!
That's how they roll at the Tour De France!
And now... your happy ending!
Posted by Weasel on Thursday, July 09 @ 05:00:00 EDT
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| Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches... |
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Well I hope everyone had a
great holiday weekend. I ended up
flying down by the coast for a
little weekend getaway. I had some issues with my
rental car but found a banana peel on the side of the road and fixed it. I
got lost on my way to eat out a
couple friends of mine. I ended up
camping with some
chick I met on MySpace. After
realizing she wasn’t the one for me I flew home
early. My wife was happy I
made it home safely. Now it’s back to the daily grind as an
IT guy.
This place is so beautiful but has such a redundant name
The
women LOVE this sandwich
You can't handle EXTREME
RICE!
TV reporter live on the air + sprinklers =
LOL
Excessive
celebration rule, yellow flag
Think this guy has ever
been laid?
The tires... HOW???
why?
New version of RHCP Under
the Bridge
Ever wondered what kind of damage a
nuke hitting your town would do?
Fro my God!
Transforminators!
HAHAHA I want a narcoleptic
cat!
When you see it, you'll laugh your ass off!
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his
vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so
either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and
said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't
know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first
to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay
you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better
jack off. I've got a headache."
Another entry from the "WTF Files"
And now... You happy
ending!
Posted by Weasel on Monday, July 06 @ 05:00:00 EDT
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